Having genius versus being genius
Submitted by admin on February 28, 2009 - 10:00 am
I am about to connect two totally unrelated themes that have been racing through my mind for months now. And honestly, there really isn’t much of a connection – except for with the way my brain works and how I think they seem somehow importantly linked.
The two themes on my brain are writing/creating and fear. Now at first glance you think – of course those are related. Yes, they are, if you’re talking about fear as it relates to your writing or creative endeavors; like fear of failure, fear of misunderstanding, etc. But I’m talking about my writing as relief of my fear that I have in my personal life.
If I didn’t write, I don’t think I could live. Even if it’s shit, even if no one ever reads it, even if nothing comes of it. Writing is my drug. It’s my therapy. It’s the way I hash out and empty all the chatter in my head. Yep, there’s even more internal dialogue then these excessively long blog posts, and weekly articles. In fact I keep three journals concurrently and am about 100 pages into a book I’ve been working on for eleven months. And with all the writing there’s STILL chatter in the brain. So you can imagine how much meditation and writing become the two tools that keep me on life support. I have to release some of that talk or the pressure from all the voices would probably cause my head to explode. I sound schizophrenic. Hmmm . . . if the shoe fits I guess.
So now the fear bit – and it’s this:
I am afraid that living and staying in Los Angeles means that I will be single and alone forever.
There it is. I just watched MILK the other night and I really liked that Harvey Milk put the death threat/hand drawn picture someone sent of his mutilated body on the fridge. His partner was upset and told him to throw it away or get rid of it. But Harvey said he was putting it on the fridge so that it was out in the open and everyone could see it; that made the threat less scary and more obvious and even funny. He said “If you put it in a drawer it’s looming and gets bigger and scarier then it really is.” So up on the fridge it went.
I guess this is my fridge. I know it’s not logical. I do. I know that love finds us all. I am no exception. But sometimes I feel like God this is never going to happen for me. I have a lot going on with working full time, starting up Duchess as a business, my business home study courses, the writing, the blog, my friends and the three professional association groups I belong to and meet with almost weekly. So it’s not like I’m at home all the time thinking about this stuff or feeling sad.
In fact, for the most part I’m pretty damn happy and optimistic. But there’s just this nagging thought in the back of my head that started about six months ago which has become the equivalent of the scary picture tucked away in a dark drawer. “You will be alone forever.” “You are never going to have a family.” “You blew it leaving your marriage because he was the only person that will love you ever, and now he moved in with someone else, but you’re still alone and he was it for you.” Dead woman walking. It’s crazy, and it’s scary, but it’s this really dark place my head goes to.
I think the scariest part (other then my clear inability to let go of this thought) is that I have wanted my whole life to have a family. I loved my family and my home growing up. I would often stay home on the weekend as a teenager to hang out with my parents and my little brothers because we had so much fun. My family, my parents and my sister and my little brothers, they’re my best friends. And I want that for my own family and kids someday. It’s the whole reason I left my marriage. I remember very clearly talking to my shrink who was helping me work through the wife-of-an-addict crap and I told her the only reason I would ever leave him was because of my kids. I didn’t want to raise children in an addict household. So to go through the past year and half of heartache and heartbreak for some imaginary kids I don’t even have and am further from having now then I ever was when I was married – that shits scary.
And I know we’re all supposed to self-analyze and be super happy with being independent and on our own, and I’m all for independence, but I think being alone all the time is over rated. I like the company and companionship of a boyfriend in my life. I don’t think that makes me weird or co-dependent or needy. I loved living with my boyfriend who became my husband. I enjoy sleeping and waking up next to someone. I like having someone to call and someone who calls me. I love going out with my girlfriends and then being able to come home to a man I love to curl up next to. I like being able to work in my office for hours knowing my boyfriend is doing his own thing upstairs in his office in the same house. There’s something really comforting about another soul sharing your space. It’s pretty damn nice to hear I love you every day and to have a great, consistent sex life. Who doesn’t want that?
I figure maybe part of releasing the fear is acknowledging it, admitting it, hanging it up on the fridge. I’m still as picky as ever. I’m still as independent and opinionated as ever. But I can be honest and open that, some nights, I feel lonely and I look forward to the day my path crosses with a really great man who’s looking for a pretty decent girl with a really fabulous Labrador.
Until then, writing is my therapy and my love and my way of life. I happened to pass through a blogroll to a website with this great 20 minute lecture by Elizabeth Gilbert on having genius and a creative process that isn’t tortured and dark. I think it was a nice thing to listen to and remember. Maybe if we can put that space between us and our creations we can remember not to feel so tormented. She has a lot of great things to say, so check it out, it’s the weekend, you’ve got time!
Ole!
P.S. I told you they were two random, unrelated thoughts. You were warned and only have yourself to blame for reading this stuff. 
P.P.S. This morning when I took Labrador out for her morning walk there was a very good looking dark haired, bearded man in the big lawn in front of my building throwing a tennis ball for his yellow lab. Like manna from heaven. I took that as a good sign for the future, like foreshadowing (especially the beard, I’m an Alaskan girl at heart, I like me some well maintained facial hair on a man- very hot). I took it as an even better sign that after Labrador and I finished our walk, I let her off leash to run around the same lawn and the man (who was now gone) came back with his dog and walked right up to me and was throwing the tennis ball for both our labs. Maybe dating in L.A. is looking up after all.
And Friday I’m in love!
Submitted by admin on February 27, 2009 - 5:03 am
I had a fabulous date last night to go see a movie. I was feeling a little under the weather in the afternoon but after a power nap and some ibuprofen I was back to sorts. It was one of those dates where everything you say is the same, like if you were a kid you’d yell “Jinx!” What time do you want to leave? Seven (in unison). Jinx. What do you want to see? How about . . . Milk (in unison) Jinx. Popcorn? Yes! Water? Yes! What candy? Peanut M&M’s! Jinx, jinx, jinx. And that is why I love my roomie so much. She’s not just a roomie, she’s a kindred spirit. We have been friends since we were 15 year old sophomores in high school and we’ve stayed friends all these years.
BTW – Milk was a really good movie. I really liked the slogan over and over, “You gotta give ‘em hope.” We all need hope and optimism to lead lives of greatness. And love.
And that’s it for the month of love folks. It’s time for March with its showers and forecasts of spring. I saw bunches of tulips and daffodils growing all over Cedar Sinai’s grounds when I was walking home from work yesterday. They always remind me of spring – I love all the spring tulips, they’re so colorful, clean and crisp.
So the final quote of love for February is the simple lyrics of a beloved Beatles song. I think life is pretty simple. So why not close out the month with an easy to tackle idea and inspiration. Wishing you a beautiful weekend of love, hope and optimism for all the abundance in your life right now. Salut!
“All you need is love, love.
Love is all you need.”
With the tulips in April at St. Patrick's Cathedral in Dublin, Ireland.
High Risk, High Gain
Submitted by admin on February 26, 2009 - 5:15 am
Last night when I got home from dinner, I watched a little bit of my NetFlix pic for the week – Amelie. I’m sure you’ve all seen it, but perhaps, like me, it has been a while. I love that movie. Every single thing about it. I love Audrey Tautao – she’s the cutest damn thing ever. And every aspect of the movie is delightful. I love the soundtrack, I love the storytelling, I love the way it’s shot and I love the mixing of good deeds, self-discovery and love woven through the plot.
I was thinking of the part at the end, when she is too scared to risk reality with the man she’s been daydreaming about and searching for, to open the door when he is on the other side knocking, calling her name. What a metaphor that is! Whether it truly is love knocking, or it’s opportunity etc., how many of us are too scared to risk the heartache of opening the door, risking reality vs. staying in our imagined, protected way of life inside our little apartments. I think the bigger we can open up, I mean really expand ourselves, crack our hearts and our lives open, the more we can take that huge risk – the more our lives pay off. Yes, we can lose everything, yes we can get hurt (and we do lose and we do get hurt – trust me I could write a country song about it) but by God we can win too.
And isn’t winning, whether that’s experiencing a passionate, intense real love, or moving to a new city for opportunity, or changing careers, or whatever, isn’t winning that goal worth the risk? For me yes, always yes, high risk - high gain. I’m willing to bet it all, because I want to win it all. And I’ve lost it all a few times (enough to know), it’s never as bad or lasts as long as you think it will – so the bet becomes easier to make. So I’m putting it all on red (hey- it’s the color of love).
Enjoy today’s quote and I hope you take the risks necessary to advance yourself and your exposure to love, happiness and your true passion.
“So, little Amélie, your bones aren’t made of glass. You can take life’s knocks. But if you let this chance go by, eventually your heart will become as dry and brittle as my skeleton.”
The Tango in Buenos Aires, Argentina
What a day, what a day.
Submitted by admin on February 25, 2009 - 5:18 am
I had lunch a few weeks ago with an old friend I went to high school with in Alaska. He lives in L.A., which I didn’t realize until I received a Facebook message from him. I’m not a big fan of all the social networking, except for business, but in this case I was willing to make an exception. AK people are good people. And he in particular was always a total sweetheart – we spent a lot of time together working on our German homework back in the day (which was a Wednesday).
Last Saturday he invited me to join him and some other friends for a birthday dinner for his roommate. I went along, saw some old friends I haven’t seen in 10 years, had a nice “Along Came Polly” Ethiopian utensil free dinner and tried some really good Kenyan beer. Sunday I enjoyed a late breakfast with my roomie at the Griddle. We happen to have the greatest hookup in the world there through her friend’s boyfriend. This guy, the boyfriend, graciously hooked us up with a table in five minutes (there was over an hour long wait – for breakfast – I know, insane, but that’s L.A.) and free mimosas while we waited. I happen to absolutely love men who are genuinely kind to their girlfriend’s friends, needless to say, this guy is dreamy. I love knowing there are men who are sweet and handsome in the city.
My roomie was also sweet enough to take me over to the valley after breakfast for a round of car shopping. Yes, I said it, car shopping. I’ve been researching and shopping for cars for almost a month now. No luck still – but I’m optimistic!
Then last night I had the opportunity to attend a UCLA MBA and WBA (Women’s Business Association) entrepreneur mixer at the Anderson School of Business. I knew two really great women there from the last seminar I attended in January in Bel Air – so it didn’t feel quite as terrifying. It was such great practice for me to mingle with other women in various stages of their businesses, to verbally give my pitch on what Duchess is, and to have the exposure to some more classically trained left-brain MBA students. It was also fun to share my business concept with the men there, since my business is totally female centered and a bit feminine – some of them thought it was great, others I could tell were thinking – “whatever lady!” Good practice.
I continue to stand in awe at all the amazing people I meet in Los Angeles and all the opportunities this city presents me with every day. I’m so grateful to be here. And I’m in love with UCLA. I’m definitely moving ahead with the extension classes I’ve been wanting to take. The campus is this amazing, tucked away haven in the middle of the city. It was totally my scene.
Today’s bit of inspiration is a quote from Wayne Dyer’s book Everyday Wisdom for Success. And while it doesn’t contain the word “love” – I think at its core is the message of taking the time to love and appreciate your life.
“Just slow down and enjoy it all.”
Rocky Mountain High!
Submitted by admin on February 24, 2009 - 5:16 am
Bonjour!
I have some exciting news – Duchess has teamed up with another great woman owned business: Rocky Mountain Retreats. And they have asked me to be one of the featured speakers at the July “Writers in the Rockies” retreat; I am honored and SO excited. And it just keeps getting better! In honor of our new friendship Rocky Mountain Retreats is offering 25% off their March 25-29th retreat “Mixed Media Arts” – just enter the Duchess code RMR-309 when you check-out and you’ll see the discount. Springtime in the Rockies of Colorado – I love that!
Check out their website for more information at: www.rockymountainretreats.com
And since we’re still working through the last week of love, I felt inspired by John Denver and the State he made famous. Who can sing Rocky Mountain High without thinking of Annie’s song? I was raised on John Denver – so today’s thought will be the lyrics from Annie’s song. Because even though I outright mocked and disliked him as a kid, he’s grown on me over the years. When I went back and read the lyrics I realized, it’s actually a very beautiful tribute to the woman Mr. Denver loved.
Have a beautiful day and if you fancy a getaway – be sure to reserve your spot in March with our new friends at Rocky Mountain Retreats!
“You fill up my senses, like a night in a forest. Like the mountains in springtime, like a walk in the rain. Like a storm in the desert, like a sleepy blue ocean. You fill up my senses, come fill me again!
Come let me love you, let me give my life to you. Let me drown you in laughter, let me die in your arms. Let me lay down beside you, let me always be with you. Come let me love you, come love me again.”
Awareness
Submitted by admin on February 23, 2009 - 4:49 am
A girlfriend sent me an article last Friday that I had to share. It was an interview with an Australian woman named Isha who is a teacher, author and the founder of a tool called “The Isha System.” The article was called “Why Walk When You can Fly?”
I have been trying to really get specific through all the business courses I am taking and networking events/seminars I am attending about what Duchess is as a company. So far, it’s the blog. But my vision for Duchess has always been grand and this is just its infancy. Not even infancy, it’s zygote formation. I really want Duchess to be a tool that helps women remember and learn to care for themselves first. It’s a process I’ve been developing and experiencing first hand through trial and error for two years now. I am truly learning that when we care for ourselves first in a loving and open way (as opposed to being self-centered and selfish – that comes from a place of fear and there’s a difference), we can better care for and love those around us. We have more to give, can love bigger and can be more courageous.
I also want Duchess to be very simple. Because life is, after all, incredibly simple. The basis of all life is water – just a nice simple pairing of hydrogen and oxygen. The two original soul mates. And so life is equally simple to me – love, family, health, fulfilling your passion, service and the time to enjoy them. Not too complicated.
So when I read this article and Isha’s simple ideas about love, self-care and the absolute freedom that comes through unconditional love – I was deeply moved. It’s a very good article – I highly recommend it to all of you.
So as part of the last week of the month of love – here is a little excerpt from Isha’s interview that really struck me. Nothing like a little awareness and love to start out the day!
“Fear is an illusion. Fear is what creates the illusion of separation from unconditional love. . . we start to recreate ourselves in a way that we think is appropriate to receive love externally. Often, we do this to such an extent that we abandon ourselves and don’t even know who we are. . All of these things are a product of fear, the fear of losing love. All of these things are also supported physically, as these fears are recorded in our body. When you have unconditional love, you start to give love from a place of fearlessness. . . The most important thing any human can do is to expand and love herself or himself unconditionally. Then we can give that gift to anyone.”
