Don’t Blow It (and waste a lot of time!)

One of the most common mistakes I see in the women I coach about dating is the inability to take a man at his word. I see it time and time again and if I had a dime for every time I saw it happen, believe you me I’d have my royal treasury stocked higher that Scrooge McDuck’s Money Vault.

What do I mean?

I mean men are simple really. Well, in a lot of ways at least. It’s women who are complex, moody, ever changing and sometimes totally irrational.

Sorry ladies, but come on, you know it’s true – at least some times! There’s a reason we all sync up cycles with each other and the full moon – we’re ruled by the ever changing cycles of the moon and we all see how flighty that little sucker is! One night he’s full, the next night he’s a crescent; ever waxing and waning. So just bear with me for a minute, don’t get offended and fess up that you know you’ve changed your mind about things a time or two.

Men (for the most part) are predictable. They say exactly what they mean if you know how to read the signs and believe them when they say who they are and what they want.

And here’s a hint: if they’re not beating down your door to go out with you, what they want does not currently include you.

Even the nice ones.

Even the ones that say yes when you ask them out and set-up all the dates and make all the effort. Sure he accepts your every invitation. He even returns many, not all but many, of your texts and accepts your ideas of fun things to do. He likes you. Hell he may even love you a little.

But here’s where the trouble sets in.

IF A MAN TELLS YOU HE ISN’T READY FOR A RELATIONSHIP – BELIEVE HIM.

Oh, and there’s a VERY crucial follow-up step to this how to date like a Duchess Decree statement which goes like this:

IF A MAN TELLS YOU HE ISN’T READY FOR A RELATIONSHIP – BELIVE HIM!! And if you ARE READY for a relationship, then MOVE ON!

Immediately. ?
Don’t wait for a second or third date. Don’t waste years of your life hoping he’s going to come around and see that you’re the love he’s been waiting for and didn’t know was there. If he isn’t calling often (like daily or at least 2 or 3x/week), setting up dates and making sure to reserve as much time with you as he can possibly get – well then – sorry, he was being honest when he said he doesn’t want a relationship. At least not with you, not right now.

Believe him.

Believe him and if you in your heart of hearts know you want a commitment, move on. Don’t return one more call or text or set-up one more date with this man. Move on!

This principle is both maddening and liberating at the same time. You choose your focus.

You can choose how frustrating it is that you’ve found Mr. Right and he’s not convinced the same is true about you. You can get pissed at me for pointing out that just like the book, movie and talk show insists, “He’s just not that into you.” You can stick around for another few dates, few months or hell, another few years but the end result is always the same. You’re the RULE not the exception. You may have heard of urban myths of friends of friends who stood by their man and eventually he did realize she was it (even though for years he insisted she wasn’t). Hell I have an actual friend who did this. She’s amazing. She successful, beautiful, loyal, kind hearted and an amazing woman; she also spent close to thirty years waiting for this man to realize she was it. And would you know after a few marriages and kids he finally did! And she’s happy with him. So the legend does happen. But if you aren’t on the thirty year plan to finally get the commitment you want from the man you think is tops, then BELIEVE him when he says he’s not ready, not willing or not able to give you a commitment and MOVE ON.

If you can take that little nugget, nay pearl, of wisdom and act on it now, you can save yourself years of time, energy, frustration, therapy, money and heartache. And that my lady friend is both EMPOWERING.

I’m sure he’s a great guy. I’m sure you think he’s the one. But there are lots of ‘Ones’ out there – so why not sync up with one that is on the same page as you about commitment and where you are in your lives?

If I seem emphatic about this it’s because I am. You see, I was convinced once that I had met my soul mate. And would you know that after years we were no further along down the commitment path then we had been at three months in when he told me for the first time that he loved me but “couldn’t give me what I want.”

Do you think I was happy three years later when I heard that same line for the fifteenth time and it finally sunk in? Nope. Not even a little bit. I was devastated. Heart broken actually. I still think he was a soul-mate but what’s the point in a soul-mate who doesn’t feel the same about you?

YOU CAN NOT WIN A MAN OVER.

YOU CAN NOT CONVINCE A MAN ‘YOU’RE IT.’

So don’t try.

Save yourself the time and energy and liberate yourself NOW! Believe him when he tells you who he is and what he’s about. It’s a lot easier to get over a great man after a few dates or months than it is after a few years.

If you’re reading this and thinking, hey, I like what this Duchess chick has to say – then I would encourage you to sign up for my newsletter. I send out articles, tips and blog updates, as well as fill you in on the next Duchess workshops (there’s one every season so you get four seasons of love and advice on how to be successful in dating) and events – so you’re going to get a tremendous amount of value for no cost. Why? Because helping women get really successful at dating is my passion!

It’s why I started Duchess.

There are so many really great men and women out there in the world, in your city even! And I want to help you find them because I believe in love and I believe we’re meant to be with our ideal partner.

But you can’t find a great mate unless you learn how to have some great dates – so sign up for the newsletter and learn to date like a Duchess!

Oh, and see those comment fields down there? It would be awesome of you to leave some comments on how you liked this article and if you’re signing up for the newsletter. Also, if you have other dating challenges or issues you want me to address – just ask your question below. If you don’t want to leave your name just enter the alias ‘Dating Duchess’ and I’ll know you have some burning questions you need answered, but I’ll keep your details on the down low.

So sign-up for the newsletter now and leave your questions and feedback below! Thanks! And long may your reign you sexy, savvy dating Duchess you!

P.S. This doesn’t just apply to ‘commitment’ – maybe he’s happy to commit but tells you he doesn’t want kids and you’ve dreamed of kids your whole life. Maybe you totally sync up on commitment and kids but he’s atheist and your spiritual. Is that a deal breaker for you? Would he let you raise the kids religious or spiritual? Obviously only you can answer these questions but your core beliefs and values should match up with (or at least be open to compromise) your partner. So make sure you’re on the same page and if you aren’t – don’t try to convince him you’re right or that he can change. Believe him, explain where you’re coming from and then move on.

P.S.S. You can see this tip via video too – check out my ‘Date Like A Duchess’ Tip 1 in my 5 part video series on my Duchess You Tube channel HERE.