We all remember that line from Sex & the City I’m sure , so what is it about soul mates that makes some of us swoon and others gag? If you follow me on Twitter, you know I “tweet” about my Duchessy life often on there, but since relaunching this amazing new Duchess site, I don’t usually blog about me anymore – mainly because I feel my life has taken a big turn this year. I don’t really care about me and what’s happening in my life – I care about you. Yep, YOU! I mean sure I still care what’s going on in my life – but I don’t feel the desire to blog about it because mainly I’ve realized some important things about me over the past few years of my little Duchess blog (turned business, becoming empire). And more then anything – I am making it my mission to inspire and enthusiastically make you ladies believers in love. Too long have we all said we don’t care or it isn’t out there for us – I want all women (and as a side result, men) to feel and know and experience really great fun loving partnerships.

Care to hear?

Well here goes.

#1. I Do (believe in soul mates).

#2. I Do (absolutely positively beyond a shadow of a doubt believe in love – or as Carrie said, “REAL, inconvenient, can’t live without each other kind of love.” Because doesn’t it always come back to Carrie in the end?)

#3. I Do (not believe we are meant to be single and alone long term).

Shall I say more? Okay. First off, I believe in soul mates because I have already met mine. And before you get all excited for me and think I’m awesome and super lucky, let me be the first to tell you if you haven’t followed my blog for the past few years, mine didn’t “work out.” We no longer see each other or speak. We’re totally not a part of each other’s lives. Was that hard? Jesus H. Christ yes. Honestly it’s the reason I can’t see or talk to him – I couldn’t survive getting back together with him and having him break it off for a third time. I know that my heart would literally break and I’d become some irreversibly jaded injured bird limping around for the rest of my life. I gave him two opportunities over two years – and he broke it off with me both times. So at some point in May, after it happened for the second time, my survival instincts kicked in and went – “never again.” And we won’t be together again ever.

But here’s the interesting thing – even though it hurt so bad to be left by this man, I’m actually glad it happened. Not at the time – but now with the organ formerly known as my heart fusing back together nicely, I can say I’m glad. Because now I know “he” does exist. Not this man in particular, but the soul mate for me – because, like Charlotte York, I think we get a few chances. This man I loved with reckless abandon deserves a partner for whom the risk of losing her outweighs his fear of loving her that intensely. However “she” is for him, she was certainly not me. But I want that for him because I love him. And in equal measure, I want someone for me too, but with the courage to jump into this rare opportunity with me – and so I’m certain there is a soul mate for me as well, and loving my Aussie like I did only helped confirm what I had hoped all along – that kind of love is possible. He confirmed my biggest dream, rather than destroying it – because I too am a person looking for love.

So there is #1 and #2 in my little list, what about #3? A single girl in L.A. – nay, a single girl who is also a dating and relationship coach saying we aren’t meant to glorify singledom? Blasphemy? Maybe. But it’s my truth and reality. I think being single is a very important step in our life process because we learn about who we really are without an outside influence, we learn what we’re made of, we learn how to take care of ourselves (and hopefully carry that knowledge over into our relationships when they come so we remember to be responsible for ourselves) and we learn that life is a choice. Yes, a choice. Will we feed our fear and after having been hurt as deeply as can happen – will we become bitter by choice and never open up to that kind of love again? Will we glorify and puff up our lives of single time to be the new epitome of the modern age and stand proudly in our alone, never letting another in that deep again? Not this Duchess. No, I’d rather have my heart ripped out of my chest cavity again like a bad scene out of the second Indiana Jones with the voodoo doctor by a new love (not the Aussie – fool me once shame on you, but fool me twice and then three times, that’s just dumb!) then close up and not risk it.

No risk – no gain. In love and in life. And just like in career and life – when our persistence overcomes resistence, we will have our results. So I will keep forging ahead feeding my faith and my silly optimism because I do believe in soul mates – and since I was not hatched in an egg left to fend for myself from birth in a cold, family-less world – I personally feel that for me, family, relationships and eventually a partner are my life’s path.

To each her own – but I would ask if you believe in Soul Mates? And if you’ve made it this far in my rare personal ranting – why not check out an actually informative and well written post by my NY colleague and amazing dating advice master – Nando – who explains where the idea of “soul mates” even came from in the first place!

http://nandoism.com/2010/08/23/the-idea-of-soul-mates/

"It Will Cost you Nothing to Dream, but Everything Not To." - Unknown

“I was looking for someone to complete me, not anymore dear. Everything has changed.”

This week’s Duchess Digest column is less focused on dating and more focused on simply you. Yes, simply the wonderful you that sometimes feels like life is being a little unfair or sucky. Take it heart because the fastest way to get everything you want in life, love and experiences is to take care of yourself and your needs.

Enjoy!

http://singlemindedwomen.com/women-relationships/duchess-digest-three-lessons-when-life-sucks/

Obviously I'm being cheeky, but sometimes we can't help getting caught up in our own drama of "poor me" - so check out the column and fix yourself up!

Every once in a while I read or hear something so beautiful that I get all teary eyed and emotional. This seems to be happening a lot lately as I’m five weeks into the Duchess Summer Loving course and I’m hearing some really beautiful things from the women in class. Tales of first dates that have turned into third, then fourth, then more. Tales of long term relationships turned into the sweetest and most loving engagement stories. Tales of happily married women now moving on to the next part of their journey with their partners, the starting of their own families.

And so even as I write this I get all sobby and emotional because I feel so grateful to be standing where I am today. Yes I wanted to be standing here with a partner by now. But now that I’m here, while the partner is still something I will openly welcome when he comes, he seems less important to making a complete and blissful life at the moment. Not because he doesn’t matter, but because I know that our meeting and coming together will happen effortlessly when it’s started and until then, look at all the love.

It’s easy when we get our hearts broken to say, “fuck love. I’m never getting hurt again.” But while some people may have thought my foolish to open up to it so totally again with someone, I am actually really grateful I did because I know now what it feels like and how to do it. I have loved someone totally and fully and bigger then I ever thought possible. And perhaps the point of that love was just to learn that I could do it, and lose it and still survive so that when I get another shot at it, I won’t be scared. I’ll actually be able to go even bigger because I know now what I’m capable of and that there is no reason to fear losing it, because “it”, love, is the reason. It’s the point.

I understand that love doesn’t pay the electricity bill. I know it doesn’t purchase the Porsche or solve the mortgage situation. It doesn’t do much of anything really, in that respect. But it does make life fun. It creates the moments that we carry in our hearts for life. It fills up the supply of courage, strength and support that we need in reserves to be bold and live fully. It’s the reason we’re all here. And I think it’s the reason we all long for the perfect partner, even those of us who have been so hurt as some point that we say we don’t care or don’t need it. Everyone wants to be loved. Everyone. I don’t know one single person who doesn’t need to be loved and cherished. It’s the best feeling in the world.

And as I’ve secretly hoped and loudly preached from my Duchess pulpit these past few years, there are good, nay, great men everywhere who want to join in this kind of union just as much as women. And to back me up is this beautiful article from the Huffington Post, written by a bold man explains, all men do dream of falling in love, just like women.

Whether you’re a man or woman, you should read it. There is something to be learned here, even if it’s just honesty.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/arjuna-ardagh/goddess-worship_b_660896.html?ref=fb&src=sp

Something about the moon is always magical to me.

Nando is one of the amazing men that I know through Twitter who makes me wish I lived in New York (sorry LA, sometimes I cheat on you in my mind with the BIG Apple, it’s true, I believe Dr. Phil calls it emotional cheating, it’s just, well Manhattan has it going on). He’s not only handsome and funny, he’s got a great ebook “Dating Stuff” you can purchase and check out and he’s today’s link. Why? Well did you not just read all those reasons I just wrote? No, seriously though, Nando is a great writer, has spot-on advice for straight and gay readers and I read the post of his I’m about to share and thought, my last semi-serious relationship (air quotes? Ok, “relationship”) had 4 of 5 of Nando’s “5 Signs He’s Not Into You.” How did that happen? Oh how the mighty have fallen. Can I be blamed? No. Mainly because my parents named me Jill and so it was predetermined that a dude named Jack and/or a falling down were in my future somewhere and also because I didn’t know Nando when this was going on.

Onward and upward.

Now I have Nando, Duchess and a have hiked back up to the top. No more of this tumbling down hills business! For you either, read on!

Nando’s: 5 Signs He’s Not Into You

http://nandoism.com/2010/07/01/5-signs-hes-not-into-you/

Remember what the motto of Duchess is for dating; Clarity, clarity, clarity! If he’s doing any of the above, get some clarity girl and move on to what you deserve. Love is out there in a huge way for us all – you’re no exception. So come and get your love!

Love is everywhere - go get 'em!

For any of you who aren’t familiar with the Duchess “Royally Kind” Blogging event – you’re about to be! A group of about 20 women bloggers have joined me in the first ever (but hopefully not last) blogging event for good deeds and random acts of kindness! The rules are this;

1) This week I challenged the women to commit a random act of kindness for a total stranger when the inspiration set in to do so. I asked them to watch and see all week whatever opportunities they could to do something to help someone out. There were only two rules, it had to be a stranger and it had to be less than $5 (if someone chose to do a monetary act) because I wanted to particularly have us focus on connecting with another human being and offering a service of kindness, as small as that is.

2) They have a specific date (August 5th, today! and August 10th, next Tuesday) to post about their act and share it with the world.

3) At the end of their post I asked them to link to the other women bloggers participating from their group to “pay it forward” and link up the whole group with their blog. That way anyone’s particular readers can visit the other blogs of participants and read about more good deeds happening around the world. And yes, the Royally Kind blogging event is happening around the world.

How you can help?! WHY read all about it and leave comments! Or better yet, commit your own random act of kindness and leave it in the comments section. We’re happy to have more of you! Join us, pay it forward, and be Royally Kind!!

Here are my ladies!!

Group One: Posting Thursday, August 5th, 2010

“Red Said”: http://www.redsaid.net

“That Happened to Me”: http://www.thathappenedtome.com

“Redefining the Meaning of Wealth”: http://www.redefiningthemeaningofwealth.com

“Plush Palate”: http://plushpalate.blogspot.com/

Group Two: Posting Tuesday, August 10th, 2010

“La La Lovely” : http://lalalovelythings.blogspot.com/

“Res”: http://resipsainsead.blogspot.com/

“Remabulous Coaching”: http://www.remabulouscoaching.com/remabulous/Blog/index.cfm

“A Life More Fabulous” : http://alifemorefabulous.blogspot.com/
“Single For Good” : http://singleforgood.blogspot.com/

“Simply Seductive” : http://simplyseductive.blogspot.com/

“Everything Fab” : http://www.everythingfab.com/

“Bits of Beauty” : http://www.dailybitsofbeauty.com/

PLEASE SHOW YOUR SUPPORT FOR ROYALLY KIND AND THESE AMAZING WOMEN BY LEAVING COMMENTS, SHARING YOUR OWN TALES OF KINDNESS, AND VISITING THESE AMAZING WOMEN’S INDIVIDUAL SITES. I’M SO SO SO GRATEFUL TO THEM FOR SHARING MY IDEA THAT LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL, PEOPLE ARE INSTINCTIVELY GOOD, AND BEAUTY IS ALL AROUND US EVERY DAY!!

Join us!

I think we could all use more acts of patience and kindness directed from us toward our fellow man and vice versa!

Show your support and leave your comments below! Then visit the beautiful Duchesses of Royally Kind, by clicking through to their amazing blogs and sharing your comments!!

The “Royally Kind” Blogging event kicks off this week and look at this beautiful, sweet intro to the event from amazing blogger Trina of La La Lovely. She’s a great woman with a great blog – see her post and learn more about ‘Royally Kind’ happening this week.

http://lalalovelythings.blogspot.com/2010/07/la-la-love-royally-kind.html

La La Lovely - Indeed!!

http://bit.ly/bUGmvX

Apparently I look for the same traits in my Gay Amazing Men as I do in my Straight Amazing Men . . . Beard? YES PLEASE!! I love this Picture of TJ. Any man who can sing Beauty & the Beast Duets with me is AMAZING!

It’s a great interview with a really wonderful lady – so check it out now HERE.

long may you reign in good deeds and great dates!

Single for Good never seemed so Great!

This week’s Duchess Digest column over on Single Minded Women is a great one! I had the opportunity to interview Brenda Della Casa, dating coach and author of ‘Cinderella Was A Liar.’ It was such a joy to talk with her! She’s smart, fun, beautiful and totally inspiring. She shares some insights into life, dating and being a single woman in the modern world.

Be sure to check out today’s column by going here:

http://singlemindedwomen.com/women-relationships/duchess-digest-cinderella-was-a-liar/

long may you reign!

To get your own copy of Cinderella Was A Liar - visit www.cinderellawasaliar.com

The number one complaint I hear from single women who want to date is, “Where do I meet great single men?”

This single question in all its forms has accounted for probably eighty percent of what I’m asked by clients now that I live in LA and the answer is ultimately simple. The best way to meet great new guys is to get ‘out there.’ You aren’t going to meet a soul sitting in your apartment bitching that there are no great men because the five guys in your office are married or gay. You have to take accountability for your life and if you WANT TO MEET A GREAT SINGLE MAN, get out of the house and start meeting LOTS of guys. Dating is ultimately a numbers game. Sure, every once in a while you hit a home run in the first swing, but most times you either hit strikes or you only make it to first or second before the game ends and you’re sent back to the dugout. But don’t use that as an excuse and quit playing. Enjoy the game! Enjoy the process. Get back up to the plate and date again.

So in an effort to get you motivated and have your feet hitting the pavement (or I guess being LA, the pedal) I have created a list of 100 Places to Meet Great Single Men in LA. Now you can no longer say online dating is the only option for meeting anyone in this city. If you go through all 100 places on my list and follow my key tips below and you still don’t meet anyone, well, then you can call me personally and bitch. Seriously. The office line is on my website.

A few key things to keep in mind; a) getting out of the house is step one, however if you’re out and you see someone cute, you have to talk to them! Don’t always count on the guy to come to you first! Initiate, take control, be accountable, and say hi! b) If you’re in a big group of women a guy is never going to come talk to you. So it’s up to you to either break away from the girls and say hi or start going out alone – you’re just simply more approachable that way. It’s hard enough striking up a conversation with a girl – if you’re a guy and you have to strike up a conversation with five women, forget it! Put yourself in his shoes for a moment! Plus if you’re really as hot and smart as you think you are (and as I totally think you are!) you’re probably a little intimidating to walk up to – make it easier by, c) smiling and making eye contact. Not in an “I’d like to stalk you and cook your daughter’s bunny” kind of eye contact way but a nice flirt with the eyes for a few seconds and then a smile and then break contact. BAM! Done. Then, d) don’t underestimate the importance of talking with people in incredibly ordinary situations. I’m a HUGE advocate of lines. Love them! Lines at the bank, the grocery store, the security check-in at LAX, movies, you name it, if it has a line – you need to work it. Be aware and start looking around when you’re in totally ordinary situations where you would normally be whining and observe! Is there an attractive guy in line anywhere near you? If the answer is YES then why aren’t you talking to him? Comment on the line itself (obvious) or ask him about free checking, or his favorite bottle of twist-top red wine from Trader Joes or the reviews he’s heard about the film you’re both waiting to see. Capitalize on the in-your-face, totally obvious places you’re missing every day. I met two of my absolute greatest relationships in lines (one in a lift line skiing and the other in a coat-check line) and it wasn’t until I put this list together that I even realized the brilliance of this every-day reoccurring meeting place! And finally, e) this list is obviously exclusive to LA, but if you live in any large city you could easily find ideas and inspiration for similar activities in your own home town.

The trick is to be having a great time and to be out amongst the living!

So without further adieu, here is Part One in the Duchess Guide’s Two-Part List of:

100 Places to Meet Great Single Men in Los Angeles!

1. Dimples Karaoke Bar in Burbank – sing karaoke and maybe your way into a new date’s heart.
2. Mel’s Drive-In on Sunset – come in after midnight and who knows who you might meet.
3. Bouchon Bistro – enjoy a summer cocktail in the open porch seating of the more casual downstairs bar and mingle with the fabulous men.
4. Catch a show at The Mint on a less crowded weeknight and strike up a conversation at the bar over great music.
5. Pinks – there’s a reason Bruce proposed to Demi in this line – it’s both legendary and horrific! Scope out your placement amongst some cute men and you’ll have hours to strike up a conversation (plus you’ll survive a true experience together!)
6. If you’ve got a pooch – try hitting some of the great dog parks in Los Angeles, like the unofficial one under the Hollywood sign!
7. Catch one of the free Public Star Parties at the Griffith Observatory and maybe you’ll rub elbows with a cute braniac while sharing a telescope.
8. Enjoy breakfast between ten and noon at Joan’s on Third for the best chance of a great asparagus crème fresche omelets and possible a table share option with a handsome single dinner (seating is limited and if there’s a spare chair to share . . .)
9. Enjoy a special exhibit at LACMA during a peak time solo and see if you can get art appreciation advice from a wandering single.
10. Reserve a strategic seat in between two groups at the ArcLight Hollywood and hope your luck of the draw pays off with an attractive neighbor to chat with before (or after!) the film.
11. Giddy-up with a sunset ride to a local Mexican restaurant with Griffith Park Horse Rentals. You may meet a buckaroo to get along with little doggie!
12. Attend a show at the Hollywood Bowl and share your packed picnic with the cute guys in front of your seats.
13. Score some great seats and hope for some sweet music of your own at a performance of the LA Philharmonic at the Walt Disney Concert Hall.
14. Join a pick-up co-ed Volleyball game on Hermosa Beach and make some new friends.
15. Get your groove on to some local up and coming musicians at the Troubadour and see if you can find someone to dance the night away with for good.
16. Get a latte at Urth Café and share a table with someone new or maybe strike up a conversation or debate about the Dolce Cinnamon vs. the Green Tea.
17. Give surfing a try through a local surf shop and ask to be put in a co-ed group lesson (or at least request a male instructor).
18. Take a language class at the Beverly Hills Lingual Institute and you may learn the language of love too.
19. If you like sports then go to one of the local major sports events like the Dodgers or the Lakers (depending the season) and ask for tips on following the game.
20. Hit up the World Cafe on Main Street in Santa Monica, where the hunks and the coffee are both out globally complex and interesting.
21. Really love coffee? Well then you’ll really love the cool coffee shop with really cool people on Abbot Kinney in Venice called Intelligensia. People watching and fresh brewed beans; an intelligent combination you may end up enjoying with another.
22. Lots of men and women love their dogs – what a great way to strike up a conversation and get your best four-legged friend out of the house! Try the dog beach in Huntington Beach and find a Pongo and Perdita moment of your own.
23. Visit the driving range at any of your local public golf courses and you’ll surely be improving your game! Both on and off the green.
24. Try the public courts at Westwood Park and see if the guys playing before or after your match would be interested in playing doubles.
25. One of LA’s greats is the Loews hotel – grab some cocktails solo or with a girlfriend and chat up some of the other fun guys in the crowd.
26. The pool at the Roosevelt is a sure way to chat and rub elbows with the fabulous and fun young Hollywood types. Just beware! I’ve seen everything from amazing little polka dot bikinis to a fur vest paired with a Speedo poolside – you’ll see it all!
27. Attend the LA art walk and chat it up with other aspiring artists.
28. Stroll the Grounds of the Getty on a Saturday afternoon and chat up strangers in the tram on the way up to the museum from the parking lot.
29. Enjoy a massive Peanut Bubba French Toast plate from the Griddle on a Sunday morning and see if someone wants to split the portions with you! (and if that doesn’t work the waiters are hot too!)
30. Join a local hiking group and maybe meet someone new, active and fun (for great local hikes try following @Hike_LA on Twitter!)
31. Attend one of LA’s numerous and amazing film festivals! Everything from the Polish Film Festival to the Turner Classic Movies Film Festival – options abound! So get some tickets and mingle over cinematic discussions! Try the upcoming August ones Feel Good Film Fest & Downtown Film Festival.
32. Grab a scotch at the overly plaid Seven Grand bar downtown and see if you don’t get lucky with some hunter/gatherer type.
33. Go Cruella DaVil style at Nic’s Martini Bar where you get the cheetah print coat gratis for a venture into the deep freeze vodka tasting room and more varieties of Martini’s then you can shake an aluminum mixer at.
34. Attend a popular Sunday spiritual service at the Agape Center and meet like-minded men looking for a great message in the morning.
35. Volunteer for a local charity like Food Not Bombs or the local Habitat for Humanity and do good while meeting good-natured souls.
36. Get your grub on by trying out one of the numerous Roscoe’s Chicken and Waffles locations and perhaps shake slightly greasy hands with a fellow appreciator of comfort food.
37. Learn to cook and maybe your kitchen partner will be a more permanent fixture with classes at Hipcooks (with both an east and west locations!)
38. Get a cupcake at Sprinkles and for once enjoy the wait by chatting up the guy in front of you about how to read that complicated color coded dot flavor labeling!
39. Attend a free Mac instructional class at any of the local Apple Computer chain locations and find other tech savvy attractive partners: i-Like!
40. Borrow your niece and nephew or the neighbor’s kids and head on down to Disneyland. There are plenty of hands on single-dads as well as good Uncles with visiting family that may be interested in more than just a spin on the teacups after spending the day together.
41. Get hot and sweaty by running a hash house harrier race with the local Los Angeles group. They say intense settings lead to intense romances . . . what better way to meet someone? Unless of course he’s the hare!
42. Enjoy one of LA’s smaller museums like the Hammer in Westwood and see some intense modern art (hint: maybe the cute guy next to you knows what the symbolism means – because you sure won’t!)
43. If you’re into movies in the park, try the summer movie series in the cemetery. Make sure to set up your picnic blanket close to a group of fun, cute guys to strike up a conversation or share your tapenade.
44. If you’re not so into the cemetery thing . . . there’s a great Outdoor Cinema Food Fest with an $8 admission and all the catering trucks you could hope for safely encircling you like a chuck wagon round-up. Stand in line and spread out camp with some great guys if you can!
45. Looking for fresh produce and local wares? Try any of the Farmer’s Markets in your local area like the market in Los Feliz, where you may find some tasty local options beyond the veggies.
46. Still working on that novel or script you moved here seven years ago to finish? Well get on it and maybe meet fellow scribes who are motivated and into learning just like you at some Extension Classes offered by UCLA. A full schedule of workshops, semester classes and fun courses can be found online and it may open you up to a great new writing partner.
47. If you’re into the Bohemian type, try grabbing a beer in the upstairs bar of the Red Lion Tavern in Silver Lake. Ask the attractive brooding bearded man next to you to help recommend any of the numerous Oktoberfest inspired entrees or his choice on the Hefeweizen options.
48. Hike Temescal Canyon on the weekend and be amazed at all the handsome, active men you will quite literally be crossing paths with! It offers great views, lots of shade most of the hike and a great chance to meet other people outside of the over-crowded Runyan Canyon option on a Sunday.
49. If it’s the quiet and more introspective soul you’re looking for – visit the Self-Realization Center on Sunset just above PCH and enjoy the company of spiritual seekers. While this is a place of quiet it still offers many opportunities to talk and genuinely connect with others in the center’s various garden settings & benches, lake walk, organized services, book shop and visitors center.
50. Attend a Writer’s Guild lecture if you can score seats or know a friend who can. They’re amazing opportunities to hear great Writer’s and you’ll be seated in amongst many equally amazing, if lesser recognized, men. Write your own feel good ending by chatting with a literate lad who sparks your interest before or after (just never during!).

If you found this list helpful so far, why not spread the word by emailing, posting to FB or tweeting it out. Help some singles in need in your area and spread the word on how they can get a date (it means they’ll be more fun! People in love are always more fun!). And while you’re at it I’d love for you to leave comments below (which I always respond to).

And if you’re a single woman who found it helpful or insightful – you should check out the Duchess Programs page and sign up for one of our seasonal dating workshops or email me directly for private coaching packages (more info by clicking HERE now). Make sure you’re signed up for the Duchess newsletter too, The Diary of a Duchess, for loads of great tips, updates and advice on where and how to meet great single men and enjoy healthy, happy relationships with your dream dates. Great dates become great mates – get out there!

Having an LA Moment at LACMA - one of the Duchess's favorite Los Angeles hang outs!